Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
