My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm too high and old for this...
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
