wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
