He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize