just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize