call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
