Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
