when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
