Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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