my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
