Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
