id be glad to
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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