I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
