I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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