so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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