Life is so much better after having sex.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
