Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
