I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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