I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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