Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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