So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
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