Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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