the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
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