I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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