i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
