She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
