I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
