u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Ladies don't puke and tell
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
