Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize