I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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