pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
