im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
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