I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
