His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
