More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
