people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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