My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
