I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
