from now on my penis is your penis
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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