Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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