Please, let me fuck your mom
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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