So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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