My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
