Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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