I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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