Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
