we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
