Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
