4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Randomize