New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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