Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
