I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
