When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
