i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
