This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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