Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
