Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize