Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
