Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
