he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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