if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
