Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
