You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
