dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
